Everybody knows the story of The Three Little Pigs. Or at least they think they do. But I'll tell you a little secret. NOBODY knows the real story because nobody has ever heard MY side of the story.
I am the wolf. Alexander T. Wolf. You can call me AL. I don't know how this whole BIG BAD WOLF thing got started but, it's ALL WRONG!!!! Maybe it's because of our diets. Hey, it's not my fault wolves eat cute little animals like bunnies, sheep and pigs. That's just the way we are. If cheeseburgers were cute, folks would probably think you were BIG AND BAD too! But, like I was saying this whole Big Bad Wolf sh** is ALL WRONG. The real story was just about a sneeze and a cup of damn sugar. That's all, I PROMISE! HERE IS THE REAL STORY:
Way back, ONE UPON A TIME LIKE, I was being the kind soul that I am and making a birthday cake for my dear old granny. I had a TERRIBLE SNEEZING COLD. I was in the middle of making the cake and ran out of sugar. Figures!!!! So here my sick butt goes out the door and down the street to ask my neighbor for a cup of sugar. Now, it would figure, this neighbor of mine was a pig. Damn luck of mine. And he really wasn't too bright either. The dummie had built his house out of straw. Can you believe it? I mean who in his right mind would build a house of straw? So, of course, the minute I knocked on the door, the whole thing fell right in. Now being of sound mind and manners, I didn't want to just walk in to someone else's house. So I called out, "Little Pig, Little Pig, ARE YOU IN?" No answer. I was just about to give up and go home without the cup of sugar for my dear old granny's birthday cake. Then my nose started to run and itch. I felt a sneeze coming on. Well I huffed. And I puffed. And OH if I didn't sneeze one hell of a sneeze. And you know what? That whole straw house fell down. And right in the middle of the pile of straw was the First Little Pig----DEAD as a doornail. The little guy had been home the whole time. You know, it seemed like a shame to leave a perfectly good ham dinner lying there in the straw. So I ate up. Just think of it as a big cheeseburger lying there.
I was feeling a little better but I still didn't have my cup of sugar. So I went to the next neighbor's house. Figures! This neighbor was the First Little Pigs brother. He was a little smarter, but not by much. He had built his house of sticks. I rang the doorbell on the stick house. MAN! Nobody answered. So I called out, "Mr. Pig, Mr. Pig, ARE YOU IN?" And he yelled back, "Go away wolf! You can't come in. I'm shaving the hairs on my chinny chin chin!" I had just let go of the doorknob when I felt another sneeze coming on. DAMN COLD! I huffed, I puffed and I tried to cover my mouth, but I sneezed a great sneeze. And you are not going to believe this, but this guy's house fell down just like his brother's did. When the dust cleared, there was the Second Little Pig---DEAD as a doornail. ~WOLF'S HONOR~ Now you know food will spoil if you just leave it out in the open. So I did the only thing there was to do. I had dinner again. Just think of it as a second helping. I was getting pretty darn full. But my cold was feeling better. And I still didn't have that cup of sugar for my dear old granny's birthday cake.
So I went to the next house. SHEESH!! This guy was the First and Second Little Pigs' brother. He must have been the Harvard graduate. He had built his house of bricks. I knocked on the door to the brick house, IT WAS A BIG HOUSE TOO!! --No answer. I called out, "Mr. Pig, Mr. Pig, ARE YOU IN?" And do you know what the rude porker answered? "Get out of here WOLF AND DON'T EVEN BOTHER ME AGAIN!" TALK ABOUT IMPOLITE!! He probably had a whole damn sackful of sugar too!! And wouldn't give me even one little cup for my dear old sweet granny's birthday cake. WHAT A PIG!!
I was just about to go home and maybe make a nice birthday card instead of a cake, when I felt my cold coming on again. SHEESH!!! I huffed!!! And I puffed!!! And I sneezed once again. The the Third Little Pig yelled, "And your dear old granny can kiss my butt!" Now, I am usually a pretty calm dude. But when someone talks sh** about my dear old granny like that, I get a little NUTSO! When the cops drove up, of course I was trying to break down the pig's door. And the whole time I was huffing and puffing and sneezing and making a real scene. THE REST AS THEY SAY IS HISTORY.....
The damn news reporters found out about the two pigs I had for dinner. They figured a sick guy going to borrow a cup of sugar didn't sound too exciting. So they jazzed up the story with all of that stuff of "HUFF AND PUFF AND BLOW YOUR HOUSE DOWN" and then made me THE BIG BAD WOLF.
That's it, the real story. I WAS FRAMED DAMN IT! But hey, maybe
could loan me a cup of sugar?
BlueWolf sent this to me. Visit her here.